Tuesday, 1 December, 2009
So I didn’t write fifty thousand words of fiction in November this year. I was (to understate things) out of sorts, not feeling a need to meet that goal again, not becoming excited about anything I was writing, and suffering the general resurgence of that good old no-follow-through, goal abandonment habit of mind.
No point frowning about it; I wrote over twenty thousand words of new stuff and tried some new things. A word count goal is no longer the only kind of goal I need. I didn’t get excited but not because the writing couldn’t have been exciting, rather I didn’t give myself the chance. I’ve learned and played and maybe there are germs of potential somewhere in that 20k, all’s good.
Not so good is the why.
I know I can write that fifty thousand words, I’ve done it before, what I haven’t done is produce a complete draft, stay committed to an idea and see it through to the end. Fear of not making it, fear of what happens if I do and it’s no good, fear of making something that could be good but letting the work down, fostering whisperings that me, my contribution and the world just aren’t worth the work. That’s not just writing stuff, that’s life stuff. Fear, insecurity, pointlessness. I decided a while back not to let that web of thinkings run my life. I’d make a decision and stay committed, I got good at doing it and reaped the rewards, but then, out of sight of the mess that fuelled the change, I got lazy, then paralysed.
November isn’t my problem, it’s the rest of the year. Writing isn’t my problem, it’s the way I’m living my life. So I do what’s worked before: little aims, little goals, little successes, little confidences, and they all add up. “Do something” was the slogan. Something, anything, just don’t stand still. I’m not saying anything new, it just helps to say it again, restate a purpose, draw a line and refocus on what I want and how to get there.
– Look through my stuff and identify interesting bits, bits I like, run with ideas
AND (not then)
– Keep up the general playing/experimenting in all scribblings
– Write at least 300 words a day on any project
– Commit to a long term draft once I’m excited again
– Fewer distracting, nervous-energy-sapping journallings
Right. Onward. Hello, December.